I don’t like Twitter as much as I thought I would. The tweets just aren’t as interesting as I’d expected, or maybe hoped for.

Mostly, I like the retweets and quotes. Some of the political rants that can be pretty funny, sometimes intentionally.

I had big hopes for anamariecox who uses her experience as the Wonkette to be quick and pithy. But I really want to hear inside stuff like she secretly slipped her Air America panties into Leon Pannetta’s Most Top Secret file while he was testifying before Barbara Boxer.

I want Newt Gingrich to see her tweet, and twit something really Newtish about the too liberal, liberal media and family values, and Bill Clinton’s intern’s thong — all of which proves P.Bam has failed in his socialist agenda which he wants to use to indoctrinate our children and ruin the American dream for white people.

I want to see all this right away on Twitter during the four minutes I’m on. I do not want to hear about it in an Ana Marie interview on Rachel Maddow, who btw ain’t a great tweeter.

I want to be the first to drop the tweets into a conversation in my neighborhood bar, so the other tweetless barflies think I know things — which I think I’ve demonstrated that I don’t.

I want to RT Newt’s tweet with words so witty that Ana Marie will RT my tweet.

Is that too much to ask?

Internet advertising just plain honks me off. Especially when I want to read an article or see a video, and instead I get an upfront commercial.

Don’t those idiot advertisers realize that I put them on the Spamvertizers list in my head? And that I’ll never ever buy their product?

Well, the only way I will buy their product is if their advertising is so unmemorable that I forget them like that fat girl I met on Spring Break at the Wet T-Shirt contest, who, now that I think about, I remember all too well.

So now that I think about thinking about it, my memory for painful things like Blobbera and spamvertising does not portend well for the spamvertisers on my list!

(If there must be extraneous, meaningless crap attached to real content, it should be like the photoon of Megan shown here. I would be glad to explain why this is better than spamvertising, but if you don’t already see it, I’d be wasting my time.)

You know that moment when your brain gets all clogged up with thoughts, and worries? Like your only life choices are between bad, worse, and screwed?

You are very aware that you need to flush that old clogged brain case out, but your cerebral cortex just won’t flush.  It is like you need Drano for your brain.  But there is no such psychic unplugger.

Voila!  Technology to the rescue. Brain Drano is invented by me, Pre! Back in only my second sophomore year.

Two slugs of Jager, one slug of Russian vodka, and one slug of pink gin. Pour all three ingredients over ice-cubes in an old fashion glass. Stir it up, assuming you do not have a laboratory centrifuge to mix it.

Use a BD 250 cc syringe to suck up the sauce from the glass. Inject directly into your brain thru your right ear.

This is such a significant scientific achievement that I felt it needed an Efficacy Test to determine if Brain Drano had achieved the desired results. Begin the test by turning on your cable tv.  Watch any FoxNews commentator for ninety seconds. If the person appears intelligent, articulate and knowledgeable, this sht is working.

Passing the efficacy test makes you officially 404 and it is safe for you to swim on the Jersey Shore among the medical waste, because you will be medical waste, too.

Most importantly, you will have a clear, clean brain with no clogs, no dilemmas, no thoughts at all.