Studies show that we superior mutants with the power of red hair feel more pain according to new research published in The Journal of the American Dental Association.

Researchers concluded that we redheads are more sensitive to pain because of a mutation in our gene that affects hair color. In you mundane humans with normal hair, the gene for the melanocortin-1 receptor, merely makes melanin. But a red-headed mutation in the MC1R gene results in the production of pheomelanin which results in red hair, fair skin, and being afraid of going to the dentist… which I certainly am.

While I consider the fear of psychotic dentists who want to stick things in my mouth to be a survival trait, that will not get me cast in a superhero part in the next X-Men movie. Not unless they need a mutant hero to scream the first time the dentist opens my mouth to look at my teeth.

Those ratfriggin’ cokesacking hackers have gone too far! Closing down Twitter is one thing. But what they did to us… I say rendition them to deep, dark hole and make them watch Glen Beck until their eyes bleed!

I know I’ve got to calm down, but it’s hard to do.  Because they ruined us.

I would not be surprised if Totally Beaugus is now known as the number one intergalactic site for male enhancement, although that isn’t anything like what we do. Those scum-sucking spammers somehow got our SMPT email thingie and went nuts with spam, spam and more spam.

From vavious names @ our email address approximately 1,768,798 “member engorgement” emails have gone out to people on our email list and to others all the way to out to ISPs on planets with rings.

What was the bummeriest was when my girlfriend, who got the spam-mail from our address wondered why I didn’t take advantage of our own product.  That really hurt!

We’d been receiving about 200 bounce backs per hour, which is like a Chinese Water Torture for folks looking for Google Alerts that one of our blogs had been picked up.

Eventually, we called our webhost techies and we got SPFed which is something like sun block for email. Then we dumped our garbage email address and stopped the forwards.  And we now should be okay.

Except for my Sheila who still doesn’t seem to understand.  What can I tell her except I’m half Irish? And she knows which half.

I’m freakin’ ruined.

You know that moment when your brain gets all clogged up with thoughts, and worries? Like your only life choices are between bad, worse, and screwed?

You are very aware that you need to flush that old clogged brain case out, but your cerebral cortex just won’t flush.  It is like you need Drano for your brain.  But there is no such psychic unplugger.

Voila!  Technology to the rescue. Brain Drano is invented by me, Pre! Back in only my second sophomore year.

Two slugs of Jager, one slug of Russian vodka, and one slug of pink gin. Pour all three ingredients over ice-cubes in an old fashion glass. Stir it up, assuming you do not have a laboratory centrifuge to mix it.

Use a BD 250 cc syringe to suck up the sauce from the glass. Inject directly into your brain thru your right ear.

This is such a significant scientific achievement that I felt it needed an Efficacy Test to determine if Brain Drano had achieved the desired results. Begin the test by turning on your cable tv.  Watch any FoxNews commentator for ninety seconds. If the person appears intelligent, articulate and knowledgeable, this sht is working.

Passing the efficacy test makes you officially 404 and it is safe for you to swim on the Jersey Shore among the medical waste, because you will be medical waste, too.

Most importantly, you will have a clear, clean brain with no clogs, no dilemmas, no thoughts at all.

Before I go into another pathetic whine about how technology is complicating my life, I thought I’d start by writing that mine was the first techno generation, but I don’t think I will, because although it sounds good, it isn’t true, something that Sarah Palin should take a lesson from.

You can probably go back to the time when some dude invented the reaper. My intern Noni says his name was Grimm, which means it probably wasn’t.  She also says International invented the harvestor, which I don’t think is true, either.  International invented the cotton gin.  In any case, tech-whining goes back a ways.

I bet back then when newfangled steamboats were kicking up big wakes up and down the Mississipi, the old dudes (over 35) sitting on the shore would be saying how they don’t understand the new technology, but they have to learn it to keep the farm competitive, and why can’t we all be happy with horse power, when we’ve just learned the tools we got from Montgomery Wards catalog to change the plow over to the grimm reaper or the international harvestor.  I look back with a sense of wistfullness to that time before my time when the only bugs a guy had to worry about were flies.

Back to the present and Techo Me.  I am not a Ludite.  I am such an ace at html that one of my screen names in htmldrone.  So now when I’ve got html down cold, and can use Dreamweaver even better than my grandmother could use her singer sewing machine, I need to learn blogging and tweating.

Blogging for me is WordPress which is fine for what it does, but it won’t let me do what I want to do in html or javascript (which I don’t know, but I’m good at cutting and pasting) so I’ve got to put on more plug-ins and widgets on my WordPress than I have plugs going into my three daisy chained surge protectors.

That’s bad enough, but now I have not only to do WordPress and Twitter, I have to read the WordPress News, and all techno articles on Twitter that I get on my daily igoogle news.  Otherwise when everybody else is writing a one liner that goes around the world faster than the latest Lindsay Lohan nipslip photo, I will be writing to nobody, but you.

Just you.  If you’re there?  RU?