If Barack did opt in as a chalkcasian, then us Republicans might like him better, and we wouldn’t want to form our own country, and Texamerica would be S.O.L.. So he shouldn’t, but I don’t understand why he didn’t b4 already.

Barack Obama could be Irish. Like Charlie Sheen, who could have been Mexican like his brother Emilo Estevez who can’t get arrested. Well, Emilo probably could because it’s in his genes. But Charlie has his own tv show and married Denise Richards who’s almost hotter than me. Okay, she is hotter, but not by much.

Tell me true, if you had a choice between being a Beaner and a Mick, who wouldn’t want to drink Guinness all day long in a pub, rather than work on somebody’s yard and always be worried about the INS thinking you were illegal like the Cheech and Chong movie I saw on tv. Only, I don’t think Chong was in that movie because he was making bongs in jail or something.

I think if Barack was O’Bama, he could march in the St. Paddy’s Day parade which is way more fun than marching for Martin Luther King Day. On St. Paddy’s Day, all my good old boy friends put on green shirts and hats and get drunker than, well, Irishmen. If the MLK parade was that much fun, wouldn’t they wear big chains and do crack. Like one guy I know painted his face green so he’d look more Irish. Could you see any good olds in blackface? I mean, outside a Fraternity Minstral Show?

I just don’t understand this whole “auto-black” thing. My mama was a Protestant and my daddy was a Catholic who’d fallen off the wagon. I could have been either religion, so I chose to be Baptist so I could get born again and sing in Church. Why isn’t it the same with Obama and color?

And let’s talk about the Jewishness, which is a touchy subject here in New York where everyone is Jewish even if you’re not Jewish. Back home in Hoop And Holler, Texas everyone was Baptist even if you were Jewish. Now, as I understand it from a guy who also explained why schicksa chicks were for practice, Jewishness passes down from the mama, like a dominant gene for noses, or something. But kids with a Goyim poppa (BTW: Goys are like what Yankees are to us Texans) — those half-jewish kids can get barmizphatized, can’t they? Or not. But they can choose. And they’re like whole big Jews.

Why isn’t it the same when you have a black parent and a white parent. Why can’t you choose at like 13 which you want to be? Why are you always black, even if you’re whiter than a Itailian guido who wears as many chains as a hip hopper?

I can understand why Barack wouldn’t want to be a mulatto which is like half and half, and is like not-so-hot not-so-cold coffee which isn’t good, but is different that Cafe O’Laid which I thought was irish coffee but is a color I have a coat in.

I mean if he were Irish, he could be as popular as Kennedy was. Oopsie, I best not go there. I mean when you talk about these things, you’ve got to be careful of your words, or the Government agents who dress like Will Smith who are left over when from Bush was President could arrest you as a terrorist, which I don’t want to be, because I don’t want to go to Gitmo, and my butt looks humongous in orange jumpsuits.

Let me make this perfectly clear. I don’t want to have anything bad happen to the President, or to do anything to destroy America. I just want my own country where folks think and talk like me.

I did us up a real nice Texamerican flag that has a Lone Star on it and spunky armadillo, and everything. But I think we need like a pre-secession anthem so get right-thinking folks all psyched up like at a high school football game, which in Texas is about as excited as you can get with your boots on.

This song should be sung loud and proud to the chorus part of Lee Greenwood’s “Proud To Be An American” which I hope he doesn’t mind me borrowing. And if he does mind, I’ll give it back.

I’d be proud to be Texamerican
if it was just us GOP
If we had our God, and we had our guns
We could truly live life free

I gladly secede,
from the USA and what she is today.
Cause there ain’t no doubt, Libs wrecked our land,
They ruined the USA.

Now, I know that ain’t a whole song, but I hoped maybe some real songwriters like maybe Kid Rock or Willie or Jerry Jeff or even Carrie Underwood would step up and finish it off and record it in Dallas and invite me to the recording session, and maybe put me on the album cover in front of our new flag.

And if they wanted me to like be wearing only my hat and boots and the flag, I’d do it, as long as it was tasteful and would help our new country.

I really mean it.

The Secession Chronicals

The Dumocrats Don’t Want Us Neither
Remember The Alamode: Noni’s Battle Cry That Sparked A Revolution
What We Need To Make A Great Country With No Liberals
Noni’s Research Proves Texamerica Can Secede!

It’s like all set, almost. I read up on it on the internets. The Texas Constitution and the Oklahoma Congress say we can secede. (BTW: I was spelling suceed/sucede/succede wrong b4 because I got it mixed up with spelling success, and if we are going to form our own country, we need to spell thangs right.)

In Article 1- Section 2 of that great historical document, the Texas Constitution, it states, “Texans have at all times the inalienable right to alter, reform or abolish their government in such manner as they may think expedient.” That means it’s okay for Texans to give Washington the finger and do our own thing like those boys in the Alamo.

Then back in May there was the HCR 1028, the Oklahoma’s State’s Rights bill which passed both Houses of their itty bitty Congress. It was confusing because it was written by Okies, but it was “A Joint Resolution claiming sovereignty under the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States over certain powers; serving notice to the federal government to cease and desist certain mandates; and directing distribution.” What it means in plain Texan is “the Yankee Government better not try to treat Okies like folks from New Jersey, or we can take out ball and go home.” That’s what I think it means, anyway.

Put together, they mean Texas and Oklahoma can form our own country with our own flag and new constitution without an age limitation on the President or Vice President so I can run for Vice President with Sarah Palin as my running mate.

So I am hereby declaring my candidacy for Vice President of God’s Republic of Texamerica (or whatever name we decide on).

I know I’m not as experienced as Sarah, but I can see Mexico from my Uncle Snake’s front porch, and I know NAFTA from NASCAR, and I shoot straighter than Dick Cheney, who was never really a straight shooter. I’m for a small Lazy Fair government that does nothing, and I’m both lazy and fair. And I know from that Spring Break in Padre that I can excite a crowd of Good Old Boys even better than Sarah.

And anytime Rush Limbaugh wants me on his show, I’ll go.

Really, I mean it.

The Secession Chronicals
The Dumocrats Don’t Want Us Neither
Remember The Alamode: Noni’s Battle Cry That Sparked A Revolution
What We Need To Make A Great Country With No Liberals
Sing Out For Sucession

We’re fixing to have our own Conservative Country which is sweet, but there are problems. But as my Uncle Snake said, “problems are just opportunities wearing too much makeup,” which I never really understood until now.

You can’t just start up a new country like it was a backyard barbeque with an invitation list, a butchered hog, a mess of potato salad, and a six dozen cases of Shiner. It takes intelligent planning. So to get our new country started righteously, I did some intelligizing.

First off, we need a name for our country. It should be dignified and special and easy to rhyme to, and work with a dot com at the end of it. And look good on my t-shirt. But then almost anything looks good on my t-shirt. And it should be easy to spell.

I like the sound of the New Republic Of Texas. But maybe God’s Republic of Texas would be better in case we need Him on our side when we start our first war which should be within 90 days of starting up our country. I’m thinking Mexico is ripe for the pickings. If Dick Cheney saddles up with us, he can help decide.

Now, Texamerica also has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And Texamerica let’s us feel like real Americans, which we are, of course. It’s the rest of America that isn’t American anymore.

Then we need something to wave, and to wrap ourselves in, and to wear on our lapels and to salute at, and put on my t-shirt. The Lone Star Texas flag is pretty pretty. The Confederate battle flag is awesome with like symbology and history. But I think our new righteous republic should have our own personal original flag. Maybe like made of cowhide with bluejean stars and sequins sewn on — which I have a mini-skirt just like.

The National Anthem is important. For temporary and transitional like for Sarah Palin’s inauguration, I think we should change lyrics to Lee Greenwood’s song to “I’m Proud To Be Texamerican” Then we could take our time and get a real anthem written by anybody but the Dixie Chicks, who I’m still mad at.

The National symbol should be an armadillo, and not a jackalope, but maybe we’ll tell the Yankees that it’s the jackalope just for grins and giggles.

I’m pretty sure the national bird should be a Condor, which is like an eagle, but bigger and more kick-ass. I don’t think people need to know a condor is really a big vulture, do you?

Our Constitution should be written by Antonin Scalia, Sean Hannity, Rick Perry and Dick Armey and that dancer they call the Hammer that has a D-name. Oh, and we need those two cute blonde lawyer babes from FoxNews that you can tell that Bill O’Reilly really wants to loofah. I think Megan Kelly is one. I don’t remember the name of the other, but she’s blonde, too, only older than Megan, and Bill doesn’t want to loofah her as much.

Our Declaration of Righteous Independence should be written by Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh with punctuation by Michelle Bachman and emoticons by the young cute Tucker guy with the bowtie who really sucked on Dancing With The Stars. The whole declaration could be explained to everyone by Glenn Beck using his whiteboard.

The new National’s Capital should be in Lubbock, or somewheres in West Texas where there is plenty of room to expand. I’ve inherited same land out there that my great-great-great-great grandaddy stole from the Mexicans and Indians, and it’d be perfecto.

There’s a lot more to do, of course. But I think that’s almost too much intelligizing for one little old blog, don’t you?

But there’s plenty more to do. And you’ve got to help.

Really, I mean it.

The Dums Don’t Want Us Neither
And find out How Noni Got This Going
Research says, “Texamerica Can Secede!”