I did us up a real nice Texamerican flag that has a Lone Star on it and spunky armadillo, and everything. But I think we need like a pre-secession anthem so get right-thinking folks all psyched up like at a high school football game, which in Texas is about as excited as you can get with your boots on.

This song should be sung loud and proud to the chorus part of Lee Greenwood’s “Proud To Be An American” which I hope he doesn’t mind me borrowing. And if he does mind, I’ll give it back.

I’d be proud to be Texamerican
if it was just us GOP
If we had our God, and we had our guns
We could truly live life free

I gladly secede,
from the USA and what she is today.
Cause there ain’t no doubt, Libs wrecked our land,
They ruined the USA.

Now, I know that ain’t a whole song, but I hoped maybe some real songwriters like maybe Kid Rock or Willie or Jerry Jeff or even Carrie Underwood would step up and finish it off and record it in Dallas and invite me to the recording session, and maybe put me on the album cover in front of our new flag.

And if they wanted me to like be wearing only my hat and boots and the flag, I’d do it, as long as it was tasteful and would help our new country.

I really mean it.

The Secession Chronicals

The Dumocrats Don’t Want Us Neither
Remember The Alamode: Noni’s Battle Cry That Sparked A Revolution
What We Need To Make A Great Country With No Liberals
Noni’s Research Proves Texamerica Can Secede!

It’s like all set, almost. I read up on it on the internets. The Texas Constitution and the Oklahoma Congress say we can secede. (BTW: I was spelling suceed/sucede/succede wrong b4 because I got it mixed up with spelling success, and if we are going to form our own country, we need to spell thangs right.)

In Article 1- Section 2 of that great historical document, the Texas Constitution, it states, “Texans have at all times the inalienable right to alter, reform or abolish their government in such manner as they may think expedient.” That means it’s okay for Texans to give Washington the finger and do our own thing like those boys in the Alamo.

Then back in May there was the HCR 1028, the Oklahoma’s State’s Rights bill which passed both Houses of their itty bitty Congress. It was confusing because it was written by Okies, but it was “A Joint Resolution claiming sovereignty under the Tenth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States over certain powers; serving notice to the federal government to cease and desist certain mandates; and directing distribution.” What it means in plain Texan is “the Yankee Government better not try to treat Okies like folks from New Jersey, or we can take out ball and go home.” That’s what I think it means, anyway.

Put together, they mean Texas and Oklahoma can form our own country with our own flag and new constitution without an age limitation on the President or Vice President so I can run for Vice President with Sarah Palin as my running mate.

So I am hereby declaring my candidacy for Vice President of God’s Republic of Texamerica (or whatever name we decide on).

I know I’m not as experienced as Sarah, but I can see Mexico from my Uncle Snake’s front porch, and I know NAFTA from NASCAR, and I shoot straighter than Dick Cheney, who was never really a straight shooter. I’m for a small Lazy Fair government that does nothing, and I’m both lazy and fair. And I know from that Spring Break in Padre that I can excite a crowd of Good Old Boys even better than Sarah.

And anytime Rush Limbaugh wants me on his show, I’ll go.

Really, I mean it.

The Secession Chronicals
The Dumocrats Don’t Want Us Neither
Remember The Alamode: Noni’s Battle Cry That Sparked A Revolution
What We Need To Make A Great Country With No Liberals
Sing Out For Sucession

We’re fixing to have our own Conservative Country which is sweet, but there are problems. But as my Uncle Snake said, “problems are just opportunities wearing too much makeup,” which I never really understood until now.

You can’t just start up a new country like it was a backyard barbeque with an invitation list, a butchered hog, a mess of potato salad, and a six dozen cases of Shiner. It takes intelligent planning. So to get our new country started righteously, I did some intelligizing.

First off, we need a name for our country. It should be dignified and special and easy to rhyme to, and work with a dot com at the end of it. And look good on my t-shirt. But then almost anything looks good on my t-shirt. And it should be easy to spell.

I like the sound of the New Republic Of Texas. But maybe God’s Republic of Texas would be better in case we need Him on our side when we start our first war which should be within 90 days of starting up our country. I’m thinking Mexico is ripe for the pickings. If Dick Cheney saddles up with us, he can help decide.

Now, Texamerica also has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And Texamerica let’s us feel like real Americans, which we are, of course. It’s the rest of America that isn’t American anymore.

Then we need something to wave, and to wrap ourselves in, and to wear on our lapels and to salute at, and put on my t-shirt. The Lone Star Texas flag is pretty pretty. The Confederate battle flag is awesome with like symbology and history. But I think our new righteous republic should have our own personal original flag. Maybe like made of cowhide with bluejean stars and sequins sewn on — which I have a mini-skirt just like.

The National Anthem is important. For temporary and transitional like for Sarah Palin’s inauguration, I think we should change lyrics to Lee Greenwood’s song to “I’m Proud To Be Texamerican” Then we could take our time and get a real anthem written by anybody but the Dixie Chicks, who I’m still mad at.

The National symbol should be an armadillo, and not a jackalope, but maybe we’ll tell the Yankees that it’s the jackalope just for grins and giggles.

I’m pretty sure the national bird should be a Condor, which is like an eagle, but bigger and more kick-ass. I don’t think people need to know a condor is really a big vulture, do you?

Our Constitution should be written by Antonin Scalia, Sean Hannity, Rick Perry and Dick Armey and that dancer they call the Hammer that has a D-name. Oh, and we need those two cute blonde lawyer babes from FoxNews that you can tell that Bill O’Reilly really wants to loofah. I think Megan Kelly is one. I don’t remember the name of the other, but she’s blonde, too, only older than Megan, and Bill doesn’t want to loofah her as much.

Our Declaration of Righteous Independence should be written by Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh with punctuation by Michelle Bachman and emoticons by the young cute Tucker guy with the bowtie who really sucked on Dancing With The Stars. The whole declaration could be explained to everyone by Glenn Beck using his whiteboard.

The new National’s Capital should be in Lubbock, or somewheres in West Texas where there is plenty of room to expand. I’ve inherited same land out there that my great-great-great-great grandaddy stole from the Mexicans and Indians, and it’d be perfecto.

There’s a lot more to do, of course. But I think that’s almost too much intelligizing for one little old blog, don’t you?

But there’s plenty more to do. And you’ve got to help.

Really, I mean it.

The Dums Don’t Want Us Neither
And find out How Noni Got This Going
Research says, “Texamerica Can Secede!”

NeoCons like to scare us silly. It’s worked before, well enough to frighten us into war. Now, they threaten to secede from the Union. It’s not only Texas Governor Rick Perry. Now the billions and billions of right-thinking people with major sign-making chops from the 9/12 march are taking up the cry of the secession banshee. Ooo-o-ooo-out!

In spite of our President’s continued efforts, reconciliation is impossible between the rightwingnuts and the rest of America. There can be no common ground, because they will not allow any common ground that isn’t strewn with political IEDs.

They say they want to secede. I say let them. They already live in Fantasyland.

Well, not secede exactly, because I don’t think they should be able to take all the red states with them like Dick Armey has planned. They can have Texas. Oh yeah, and Oklahoma which most of us wouldn’t miss, if it meant getting rid of everyone who marched on 9/12 or supported Joe Wilson’s rallying cry of freedom!

The Patton Lee Beaugus Succession Plan gives them the opportunity to opt out of America.

They can opt out of having to accept a lying, socialist, mulatto President. They can be led instead by class act white people like Joe Wilson and Sarah Palin. They can opt out of Health Care. They can live without medical malpractice suits. They can outlaw abortion, premarital sex, and gayness, which is a disease without a cure.

In their little bit of heaven on earth, they can all carry two guns, a knife and a flamethrower to Church. They can pray before football games and bite the heads off snakes or for the moderates, frogs. They can have it their way.

The secessionists would be citizens of the Original America or the Real America or The Republic of Texas, or whatever name they’d want to call it. They could even call it God’s Republic of Texas, and it could combine Church and State and morality and law like a mirror image of Iran.

Their Land of the Free could be a Republic but not a Democracy and eliminate the lower house of congress. They could be led by wealthy and wise white people supported by the corporations they so believe in. They could have a totally laissez-faire economy with zero regulations.

They could have the Confederate flag (or RCN standard) flying proudly over factories that would not have to deal with pollution standards, and could burn coal until the skies turned black and the birds coughed instead of chirping.

They could have their own cable tv system which would consist only of Fox, FoxNews, ESPN and all the Christian channels.

To give up Texas, and maybe Oklahoma which I think we should throw in even if they don’t want it… to give these states up to have all of their morality and goodness taken out our lives, and kept on their side of the fence which they would certainly build, that would be something many of us would be more than glad to live with.

How Noni The Intern Started The Revolution
and find out what happens when When Secession Succeeds
Research says, “Texamerica Can Secede!”