1. There are no commandments. Do whatever tunes you up, turns you on, or turns you out.

2. You don’t need a big empty farm to stage this event. A backyard, beach, park bench, or anywhere with a little bit of grass will do.

3. Drink Annie Greensprings wine or something natural like Watermelon shots.

4. Bring munchies. Lotsa munchies.

5. Women must not shave their pits or legs, nor wear bras, unless they plan on removing bras while dancing in the rain

6. Coordinate your color schemes. Panama Red clashes with Acapulco Gold.

7. Couch potatoes too stoned to crawl to where everybody else is, may zone out to the 1970 Woodstock flic or any Cheech and Chong effort, unless you can score a bootleg of the new Trading Woodstock flic being released at the end of the month.

8 Games2Avoid: Fastpitch Frisbee, Revenge Croquet, and anatomical experimentation in the bushes and weeds, because Poison Ivy is not an aphrodisiac.

9. Make this the beginning of a new Counter Revolution against any cause your parents were for.

10. Love should be free, so don’t charge this time.

The 40th Anniversary of Woodstock is coming this weekend. But there will be no commemorative concert because all the sponsor money is being allocated to executive bonuses.

I think that sucks. Although I would not have attended the 40th Anniversary Woodstock no matter who played, I feel dissed.

I wish I could create a Beaugus Woodstock — a virtual commemorative happening which would take place wherever anybody happened to be this weekend. All we would need is our iPod and evil companions. I have both. You bring some goodsht and munchies.

My Beaugus Woodstock wouldn’t be just for altacockers who pretend to have been at the real one. How boring would that be? I propose a new Grand GenAlliance for this party weekend.

Half of this GenAlliance should be GenUsed2B — hippie used2Bs over 55 who still dream of having a totally carpeted van airbrushed outside by an admirer of Peter Max or Frank Frazetta.

The second part of this party is for GenXBox, those under 30 who wish they could timetravel back to the Summer of Love and dance topless in the rain. Or watch others do so.

People (younger or older) who don’t believe in sex, drugs, and rock and roll are not invited. Any person between the age of 30 to 55 is blocked, blacklisted, and automatically unfollowed.

Basically, I think that the entire responsible generation of Family Values Conservatives can take it up the rump with a redwood stump. That is if there is room with the stick-up-their-ass they’ve been living with for the past few decades. So GenUsed2B, your kids are not invited. And GenXboxers, your parents will not be attending.

I also think from a psychological standpoint we should dis-include anyone of any age who listens to Rush Limbaugh or FoxNews. They are NOKPD.

What I just wrote sounded like rules, and I’m not sure if there are rules. I mean like Rush is a bigger druggie than 90% of the guys in prison for dealing. There really should be no rules. Having said that, it’d be be no great loss if there will be no music played this weekend that was recorded between 1975 and 1999.

No shoes and no shirts are acceptable attire. Ties are not. Neither are golf shirts with stupid animals or corporate logos. Bras are okay, especially if you intend to remove yours in public while dancing. Ho-Chi-Min sandals and Cros are equally acceptable, as are Chucks which the GU2Bs still call Cons. Clothes can be ripped, torn or worn-out, but you should wear “one cool thing” which a person who “likes you” can say “nice whatever” which is code for “I’ve got a blanket behind that bush.”

I have not decided if manditory drug tests would be a good idea or not. We should all be against manditory anything, but if you don’t use, or at least pretend you used2use, maybe you should spend the weekend complaining to your favorite radio talk-show host about Beaugus Woodstock. Or maybe you should be in church praying for those of us virtually attending. Unfortunately, the only drugs currently in my system are diabetes meds, but being stoned is an attitude I can still flashback to. Like Oh Wow!

So we don’t have any generational misunderstandings, it should be understood by the GenXBox that the ’60s really took place in the early 70s for most of us GenUsed2Bs in America. And if we say we remember something, we’ve probably only seen it in a movie, because it is impossible for GenUsed2B to remember the really memorable stuff because if we there, we really were on a different astral plane. BTW: The preceeding statement is what passed for conversational wit between 1968-1974, assuming we added a number of “likes” and used “man” at the end of every prepositional phrase.

Oh yeah, when you address a person of the OppGen to find out if they are holding, please use the universal “Dude” which many find preferrable to Kid or OldFcker.